disposable.

i.am.replaceable.

opposite poles.

no matter how much u run,trying to achieve something else.

something you have known all along will be the end product.
be prepared sanserlau.that 4dimensional shelter is your future.

of farewells.

sneaking into pictures,smilings,rowdy.

i wanted to send them off with smiles to show that i'm a big boy now.
that they don't need to worry.
that i'd take care of my sister.
that i'd stay out of trouble,because i've caused trouble for the past 20 years.
that i'd be there to receive them when they come back.
big smiles and hugs for my mother,making her laugh my stupid antics in front of relatives.
taking pictures.
pictures.

my dad hugged me.
for the first time that i can remember.
he's not that sort of man.much stoutness,mucho gusto.
he definitely has hugged me before,only when i cant remember that sorta age thingy.
it made me feel.alone.
it's like he's leaving.

i'm used to mom hugging me and me hugging her.
but this time she hugged my sis and bro naturally.
with me,it seemed like a little awkward.
i dont know how to describe it.
its not like she doesnt want to hug me,it just didnt feel natural.

I KNOW THEY'RE COMING BACK.
so why.

i didn't cry.my sister did.i think my brother did too.

stopthevoices.

i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore.

the soundtrack from house of cubes.

it's liberating to know what i have written here isn't being read,though there's a chance of it being read anyways.

but.no buts.

it isn't liberating,it's more like.
i have terrible use of english.

difficult to put into words.
though the emotions that tell me that they want to be written here whisper loudly.
but i don't have much emotions.
so it's more of thoughts processed and stored,frustrated and being put into pending.

i don't need to tell anyone about it,right?
i mean,it's good enough to know my own thinking,rather than telling it to someone, and he/she has a different perspective,and in turn affects the relationship.

i can't share whats in my head,my heart,my soul.
i can't cos i don't know how to,don't know whether i want to,and know that no one wants to.

so i decided from young,i'd be listening.
listening to the words whispered,shouted,spoken,screamed,cried,laughed.
listened to the words etched on the webs of the internet.
listened to alphabets on the messages people send.
listened to the words oozing out from body languages.
from their eyes,their hands,their hugs,their lips,their everything.
i listened,learned.
and over the time,i realised,i actually like it.
very much.
it's like a one-sided window with the mirror facing the confesser,if that is even a word.
and i'm just listening.spectating.

and it gets irritating when people wanna listen to me instead.
i have nothing to say.zilch.

nothing at all.

zest of life.

it's been downhill wayward soul.

but there's a new gang in town.in its infancy,but with its purity.

grow,hoodlums,grow.

the old has been casted aside by many,now a new breed lives.

prevention of regret.

you let it eat you up,devour you,you embrace it,you feel accompanied,satisfied.

then you get older,you get alone.then that same loneliness is because of what you let devour you when you were younger,impressionable,searching,looking for something that you think would make you whole.

the memories.it would only be painful to your chest.
the connections things have to it would only serve to remind you,torture you.
the things you endured through just to lose it in the end.
the way it changes it's course,perhaps in you,perhaps in the other.
the time it leaves you.
the time it leaves the other.
the pitiful way you hang on hoping it will come back to you.
keep hanging.and hanging.and still hanging.
the way you want,but you know you can never have.
the stupidity of being affected when it doesn't even realise you.
doesn't care for you.
doesn't want you.
doesn't need you.
it isnt for you.
it never was,it never will.

it can give you what you think you need.

learn well sanserlau.you don't have alot of time left.
we're coming for you.get ready.

i know it.i'll kill it before it even bites.in cold-blood.

intentions.

because you have it in you,and you wanna give it.
to him.